I’ve had this odd experience of feeling like an exile from joy.
Not always.
That feeling has been intense when I notice someone in their car jamming, vibing, singing along to whatever music they happen to listen to.
You pull up to a red light and notice next to you or behind you a fellow driver just completely lost in that moment and enjoying their jam.
I’ve seen that over the past month and felt so distant from that kind of unhindered joy.
That has been one clue among several that I am struggling with depression.
There have been other clues, some intense triggers connected to past trauma and new fears.
And I am still a Pastor that visits dying church members, grieves past deaths (there is one in particular that is still close by in time and heart), and am experiencing the normal ups and downs of professional and personal life.
All of that has been building. So, I realize, that at times I feel like an exile from joy. Which might seem counter to the content of this newsletter. But that should not be the case. I have always tried to be up front about how joys and sorrows mingle. This has never meant to be a “don’t worry, by happy” or “fake it ‘til you make it” kind of reflection. You always get the real me. And the real me has been struggling lately.
But, I have my wife who supports me in every way. I have close friends who stick close by and lift me up in prayer. I have a Counselor that I spoke with this week. College football is back! I have rejoined the gym to re-establish better physical health (sadly, Covid killed what was a very good routine in that regard and I just haven’t gotten back to it). I am reading Scripture and listening to good music that will point me to the Lord’s faithfulness. I continuing my renewed practice of keeping a gratitude journal. In short, I am trying to come back from a far country of depression and seeking the better place.
If you find yourself in a similar place, do not suffer alone. There is hope and help.
And there will be joy in the morning, even if we do not know which morning that will be.
Reading Joy
I did finish Leviathan Wakes last week. As I noted previously, I do not read a lot Sci-Fi (though I certainly have spread it into my reading through the years). I did really enjoy this first entry into a series that has ten books in it and was turned into a very popular TV series. I haven’t watched any of the TV show. I really enjoyed the plotting and the character development, which alternated perspectives from two of the primary characters. I did not like the frequent coarse language. Felt a little too much and did not always serve the story well. I do not feel particularly prudish on this count and it was draw back for me. That said, I had previously found the second in the series at a thrift store at a great price (purchased even before I procured the first book) and so I will likely give that one a try sometime down the road.
For now, I have other books to get to…
On the Nightstand:
I am so close to finishing the third book in The Wingfeather Saga (The Monster in the Hollows) that I thought I would finish last night. Then I feel asleep. Exhausted from the week. I have about thirty pages to read and should finish today.
I am on page 112 of 403 in Vince Flynn’s Protect and Defend, which is his tenth installment of the Mitch Rapp thriller series.
Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose. Still on page 240 of 484. Clearly not what I have been reaching for recently.
Nor much reading on Harold Senkbeil’s the Care of Souls, though I carry it around with me all the time.
I just procured the Puritan classic: The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes, that I expect to start reading soon. AND, there are two more books about to arrive in the mail today. AND, I am planning a trip to one of my favorite used bookstores. Oh, my!
Seeing Joy
I completed another mosaic.
This one was a surprise for a friend and fellow Pastor.
I wanted to encourage him, after reconnecting with him recently and hearing about some of the challenges of ministry for him in the past year.
So, I set about making a mosaic version of his Church’s logo.
He received that gift yesterday and I think the intended purpose was met. He sent me a text last night, after we had FaceTimed, and he noted that he was “still taken aback by your gift.” Mission accomplished.
Bonus: First project completed with the use of a wet tile saw that I received for my birthday.
Starting to dream up the next project. And it will be so nice when it’s not a sauna in the garage where I have my mosaic workshop. Maybe one day I’ll open my own Etsy shop, like one friend has suggested, but for now I will keep making these as a way to increase my joy and others. Sometimes as a surprise.
Listening Joy
Here’s a brand song by two artists I enjoy listening to and feels appropriate for today:
In this world of hurt, no one deserves To drown in all these fears Oh joy, oh joy, come roll away These temporary tears Oh joy, don’t you leave me Just say you’ll lead me here Oh joy, oh joy, come roll away These temporary tears
That’s enough for this week. Thank you for reading and especially to those of you who have subscribed. That is an encouragement to me.